PLEASE this is supposed to be funny… this book is still in print and I had a real giggle. We all feel guilty for thinking these things but lets stop trying to be who we are not…
From ” A 101 Things To Do In a Dull Sermon.”…..
A Modest Proposal
Write a letter to the church board proposing a lottery to help finance the new building program. Be certain you have done adequate research by playing the lottery a few times yourself before making the proposal. (Deduct your losses by describing your activity as ‘religious research’.)
Six Days You Shall Labor
Since many people in your congregation only work five days a week, devise a list of jobs for the sixth day and submit it to those people after church. Job ideas might include work on the church property, publicity, visitation, painting your swimming pool, etc.. Your fellow worshipers will be so glad for your help in this matter.
See how many words you can make out of the word Methuselah.
1-9 words – Some boring spots in sermon
10-20 words – Lots of boring spots in sermon
21-40 words – Totally boring sermon
41 or more words – Even the minister is bored and has decided to help you.
Go Tell It On The Mountain
Write a note to your preacher offering to loan him all of your camping gear if he will take off for a few weeks.
Ananias & Sapphira List
With due consideration for the net worth of each member and their motives for giving, list the names of the ‘Ten Most Likely To Be Struck Dead During The Offering’.
Open your Bible at random and point to a verse. write it down. Repeat the process until you’ve received a personal message from scripture. Example: ‘Pay their expenses so that they may shave their heads…’ (Acts 21:24) ‘…and your Father who sees in secret will reward you’, (Matthew 6:18).
Using bulletins or attendance cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
See if a yawn really is contagious.
Turn The Other Cheek
Slap your neighbour. See if he or she turns the other cheek. If he or she doesn’t, raise your hand and tell the pastor.
To Bernie Or Not To Bernie
Pass a note to someone named Bernie, but first make sure there is no-one named Bernie in your congregation.
Liberal Church Altar Call
If you are attending a liberal church, come forward to be ‘born again’ toward the end of the sermon: that will really throw things into a tizzy.
Sound travels faster at high temperatures. Ask the church janitor to turn off the air conditioning so the sermon would reach you sooner and end earlier.
If, in the Lord’s sight, a day is as a thousand years and a thousand years is as a day, how many years would this sermon be consuming if it were a thousand year day? Share your answer with the pastor.
Just a few suggestions… I am not aiming this at anyone, I have probably preached a few myself when people have said ..”What IS she talking about???…”